How do you define success? Who or what shaped your ideas of what success is? Has this definition served you not only financially, but so too spiritually, and emotionally?

Our vision of success has likely been dictated by past experiences, relationships, education, opportunity, culture, and the society in which we live. In our society success is often defined by external accomplishments- our bank accounts, our home, our cars, our clothing, how many letters we have after our name, and how many followers we have on our social media accounts. Many of us know there are shortcomings to this model of success, yet we nevertheless embrace the facade day after day.

Putting on a bit of a masquerade is human nature. We all like to flaunt our stuff once in a while or feel impressive from time to time. Our quest for belonging and acceptance is part of the human experience that has roots in survival, emotional, and physical well-being.

What worries me is that we have set the bar too high and this has had significant ramifications on our well-being. We are bombarded by expectations that are both unrealistic and often impossible all the time every day. We have bought into the idea that our value is connected to fleeting affirmations of worth and we compare ourselves to filtered, edited, and false portrayals. Have you ever followed somebody on social media and then met up with them in person only to realize their life is nowhere near as effortless as their virtual portrayal may seem? And have you been guilty of trying to portray your own “effortless” existence? My answer is yes and YES.

Former Facebook executive, Chamath Palihapitiya, in an interview with the Washington Post (2017) emphasized this dynamic:

“…We curate our lives around the perceived sense of perfection, because we get rewarded in these short-term signals—hearts, likes, thumbs up—and we conflate that with value and we conflate it with truth. And instead, what it is is a fake, brittle popularity that’s short-term and leaves you even more, admit it, vacant and empty…”

Some of us are afraid to portray anything but an edited version of who we are. Aside from social media we may rely on our fancy labels, titles, career, makeup, or substances to distract from vulnerability and authenticity. Ultimately, this can be pretty lonely. We realize our connections to others are built on a facade that can be exhausting to maintain and that few if any persons have been allowed access to what’s behind the mask. Maintaining prestige, fame, and status can ultimately be emotionally depleting as well as isolating.

Genuine social connection and space to be simply “real” is central to our health and I might argue, success. Loneliness and isolation have been associated with cardiovascular disease, inflammation, diabetes, depression, anxiety, and suicide. Our largely individualistic society loves to give pats on the back to those who have apparently forged life by their own willpower. We become afraid to ask for help fearing it is a sign of weakness. We convince ourselves that virtual followers and connections can replace face to face encounters.

In my opinion the loss of genuine human connection is central to the rising depression and suicide rates plaguing our country. It is why wealth does not always buy health and why those who appear to “have it all together” may be experiencing deep personal struggle. So in addition to your yoga class, green smoothie, eco-friendly home, and meditation make sure that you also call a friend, meet a neighbor, plan a coffee date, and just maybe let your guard down a bit.

Thanks for listening everyone.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

www.shesoarspsych.com

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

541-595-8337

One of my goals in my practice is to heighten insight and self-awareness among my clients. Many of my female clients come to me with complaints of feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and underappreciated. These symptoms are often married to perfectionistic tendencies and attempts to control the external to compensate for internal chaos.

Now for some controversy. When it comes to control and gender, it does seem that a double standard exists. Men are often chastised for seeking control in a relationship as it seems akin to emotional abuse and patriarchy. In my opinion this sense of disapproval is warranted; however, I question whether women are judged by the same standard. It also seems more acceptable for a woman to voice emotional distress over a controlling man, yet if a man were to voice his emotional distress it seems he would need to overcome a societally reinforced barrier of embarrassment and defeat. A man may feel pressure to acquiesce in order to not “rock the boat” and consequently, similar to a woman in the same position, resentment can flourish.

When I ask women- many of whom laud equality as a core value- to put themselves in the shoes of their partner or children or inquire whether they would tolerate the same level of control from their partner, a good healthy pause and then reflection ensues. Ironically, these same women often voice that their partner is too passive, yet simultaneously insist on “doing it all” and have difficulty delegating even simple tasks.

A woman’s desire for control certainly in not born in a vacuum. Often the origins of her controlling tendencies are rooted in trauma. Trauma is an insidious and almost universal experience among women. Taking control and maintaining order may have been critical to emotional and physical survival at times, which can be a hard pattern to shake even when emotional and physical safety are secured. This can leave well-meaning spouses, children, coworkers, and others in the path of the “control storm”, so to speak. Putting aside individual experiences, our society alone perpetuates the persistent unease among women that “we are not yet good enough until…”. This by itself can cause a strong fear of disapproval and ongoing attempts to control partners, children, coworkers, food, appearances, and money, among other things.

A woman may have experienced times of chaos or abuse or dysfunction that left her feeling desperate for a sense of control. Micromanaging, demands, and persistent critique are often secondary to a sense of emptiness or internal turmoil that fuels uncertainly, self-doubt, and the need for external validation, praise, or a sense of order. In some cases, a woman experiencing abuse from a spouse or partner may seek to regain a sense of power or control by displacing her anger and resentment onto her children. It comes as no surprise that the children who have absorbed emotional impacts from their mother and father then also start displaying concerning behaviors. Children may then be chastised given that they are not fulfilling desired outcomes and yet in trying to correct the be

havior, it is only further reinforced.

Control is about being attached to an outcome that will somehow, per our perception, dissipate fear of the unknown. Yet despite our best efforts to plan, manage, and control, the unknown will always exist a minute from now, an hour from now, tomorrow, and so on. Letting go of outcomes is not giving up, but rather trusting yourself enough to navigate the unknown…whatever may come your way.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP-BC, Owner She Soars Psychiatry

www.shesoarspsych.com

Sisters & Silverton Oregon***541-595-8337

 

I always ask my clients to rate their self-esteem 0-10. The vast majority of my clients rate themselves below 5. If my client happens to be female, complaints about her body almost always dominate the list of why. Intellect, character, performance, and achievement are often never mentioned.

It is altogether disheartening how many of us associate value and worth with size, the number on the scale, and measurements that are idealized by a social concept that is both unrealistic and, in many cases, impossible.

Every woman has her own story about body shame. Like most women, memories of my own body shame are all too vivid. I remember the early days of elementary school playing follow the leader on the playground and not being able to fit through small spaces that seemed so effortless for my peers. I remember my portions and food choices being scrutinized by family members. I remember seeing the school counselor and being told I eat too much. I remember starting at my young body in the mirror- loathing what I saw and wishing I could switch bodies with the Disney princesses or Barbies I idolized. In dismay I would compare the size of my legs, my arms, my stomach compared to my peers…and this was all before middle school.

Rather quickly my body seemed to lengthen rather than widen. I stretched to nearly 5’10” by the seventh grade and the dynamic of attention and commentary shifted. Yet seemingly too tall for pre-pubescent boys my own age, suddenly there were comments from men- sometimes much older men. Cat calls, innuendos, and crass remarks on my physical form that still seemed so new and foreign to my budding mind. Soaking in what seemed to be validation, I aimed to maintain the streak of physical affirmation sometimes by means of extremes. Food restriction and excessive exercise became a pattern. Negative self-talk was the driver. I could not let myself be satisfied. I was terrified of regressing.

 

Our society promotes a sustained hypervigilance around body image and while I have made progress, I am not out of the woods. Most of us are actually still pretty deep in the woods so to speak. Women & girls are often ridden with trauma regarding their bodies. Whether it be a collection of accumulated comments and encounters or events of blatant harassment or abuse, we are taught from a very young age that the form of our bodies defines our worth and, in some cases, even our survival. Other elements of our being and soul are minimized, disregarded, and suppressed. As the inevitable shifting and ultimate decline of our physical bodies occurs, we are confronted by shame and guilt as the form of our body may drift farther away from the social ideal. Social media further reinforces our shame as edited and filtered comparisons are only one click away.

So make a point to praise your daughter, partner, spouse, or family member on attributes other than her physicality. Support her in creating a legacy of inner beauty and confidence. Ladies- we can be our own worst enemies. Let’s try to refrain from objectifying one another. Let’s honor each other’s accomplishments outside of what happens in the gym or on a scale. Modest or immodest, let’s realize we are all marvelously complex despite our exterior. Let’s celebrate our diversity and be unafraid to call out unrealistic and harmful stereotypes and ideals.

Character, compassion, intellectualism, humor, empathy, and mindfulness resonate far more than the number on a scale. After all, I have yet to see anything about weight loss or dress size on somebody’s tombstone. On that note, give your body grace. It will fail standards again and again, but your value is far more unconditional.

Be kind to yourself.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP-BC, Owner She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

www.shesoarspsych.com

We all like to feel safe. When chaos and uncertainty surround us, it is common to fall back on rigid thinking in order to create the sense of control, predictability, and make sense out of the inexplicable. Reducing a complex world into right and wrong, good and bad, successful and unsuccessful, and so on might seem to give us security until we have to confront the endless variables that suddenly make our black and white thinking so grey.

A lot of us are experiencing fear and heightened stress these days. Many of us live in a state of adrenaline, fight or flight, and hypervigilance. When we are afraid we often resort to primitive ways of thinking that include language such as “always”, “never”, and “must”. We tell ourselves to “never” associate with certain people, to “always” present a certain way, and that we “must” adhere to societally driven formulas to succeed. These rules for ourselves and others leave little room for flexibility and a lot of room for disappointment. An all or nothing experience emerges…
We either succeed or we fail, someone is a good guy or a bad guy, something is either right or it is wrong.

Black and white thinking limits both our grace for ourselves and others in addition to robbing potential connection, self-discovery, and empathy. Because the world is not static and ultimately nuanced with a whole lot of grey, holding tight to such rigidity can perpetuate pessimism, perfectionistic thinking, depression, and anxiety. We may feel like we are running a race and the finish line keeps on moving.

Seeing the world as grey can be uncomfortable especially when we may feel threatened or when we have been hurt. We categorize, we stereotype, and we generalize. We let labels and assumptions take over. We hesitate to let go of our way of sorting the world due to fear we may get hurt. To defend our black and white thinking we find ways to validate our worldview perhaps through the media we choose to consume, the people we surround ourselves with, or the spiritual beliefs we adhere to. Essentially, we often find what we are looking for.

Because black and white thinking is often kept alive by fear, we must defend the fear to defend our thought processes and thus, in many ways, it creates a fear-based existence. It turns out spending so much time and energy defending ourselves and seeking validation can also be quite exhausting.

When we let go of the black and white in exchange for the grey, we open doors for kindness and understanding for ourselves and others. We can more readily “step into someone else’s shoes”. The pressures that we put on ourselves are not as burdensome, and compassion comes easier.

It is important to question how we categorize ourselves- what labels, roles, and rules have we tried to adhere to? Are these restorative or draining to our being and those around us? Do they allow for growth and self-exploration or do they keep us confined?

As we consider the world of yes and no, good and bad, right and wrong, successful and unsuccessful, we must recognize that these are all on a spectrum nuanced by numerous variables unique to each of us. Putting aside black and white thinking and embracing the grey takes courage but can also be pretty darn liberating. In the words of Deepak Chopra, “Instead of thinking outside the box, get rid of the box”.

Thanks for listening everyone.

With Gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP-BC, Owner of She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

www.shesoarspsych.com

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

 

I have lived most of my life ‘by the books’. I think I tried marijuana once…okay maybe twice. Curiosity I suppose mixed with a bit of peer pressure back in my younger years. Despite my anticipation of some wild trip, I think I just ended up eating more potato chips and falling asleep on the couch. Underwhelming you could say.

Years later, I am now a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Having worked throughout the Northwest, you would have to be living under a rock to avoid the chatter marijuana has incited throughout our region. There has been both celebrations and staunch opposition. I have been asked many times what side I stand on and I generally give the same neutral answer: “Marijuana is not harmless. There are potential consequences and possible benefits. In most cases, there has not been enough research to allow for definitive answers. There are substances that have proven to be far more dangerous than marijuana.”

At the end of the day, thinking about my clients using marijuana quite frankly, does not haunt me.

I am haunted by clients prescribed dangerous cocktails of potentially addictive and dangerous medications.

I am haunted by the ongoing laissez faire attitude still taken with alcohol and tobacco consumption- legal substances that kill far more people than all other illicit substances combined.

I am haunted by the ease with which youth can procure potentially lethal doses of opioids, methamphetamines, cocaine, and alcohol.

I am haunted by parents who are desperate to save their child trapped by the opioid epidemic or worse yet, devastated by a recent loss. Conversely, I am haunted by the children struggling to understand their parent’s addiction.

I am haunted by the weeks, months, or even years clients in crisis will have to wait to get access to mental health care or substance abuse treatment.

Some believe marijuana to be a gateway drug and that may certainly be the case is some scenarios. For some of my clients however, marijuana has been reported to be instrumental in allowing them to give up opioids, alcohol, or methamphetamines. I am not in a place to give a verdict either way; however, it is interesting to consider recent research conducted by Livingston and colleagues (2017) via the American Journal of Public Health noting that opioid deaths declined in Colorado during the years of marijuana legalization.

The marijuana debate has been widespread and somewhat consuming, but in my humble opinion by exhausting so much time on the topic, we are neglecting priorities.

Yes, marijuana can be associated with cognitive changes. Yes, there has been an increase in non-life-threatening marijuana related visits to the emergency rooms nationwide. Yes, marijuana (depending on some variables) may induce serious psychiatric symptoms. Are these consequences serious? Potentially, yes. Do we need more research into potential implications and side effects? Absolutely.

Have there been any recorded deaths directly related to a marijuana overdose? According to the Drug Enforcement Administration, the answer is no. None.

In regards to other statistics…

As of 2015, Oregon had the third most alcohol related-deaths in the country behind Wyoming and New Mexico.

As of 2017, Oregon had the highest number of seniors hospitalized for opioid-related issues in the country.

As of 2013, Oregon topped all other states for the non-medical use of pain relievers.

As of 2017, Oregon was ranked dead last in the country by Mental Health America for rates of mental illness and access to mental health care.

As of 2016, Oregon’s suicide rate was greater than 30 percent the national average.

In 2016 alone, more people died nationwide (64, 070) from drug overdoses compared to total lives lost in the Vietnam War (58,200).

Numbers do not lie. I am neither celebrating or condemning the legalization of marijuana. Ultimately, given priorities and our country’s hierarchy of needs, marijuana is quite simply not scary enough compared to vastly more dangerous problems currently impacting so many. My hope is that we can regroup, step down from our pedestals, and take a step back from what has become such a deeply politicized topic. We have plenty of work to do otherwise.

Thanks for listening everyone.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon 541-595-8337 www.shesoarspsych.com