It feels good to have a scapegoat sometimes. The perception that we ourselves are free from blame and that our challenges are the fault of circumstance or others, is an alluring reprieve from our own culpability. That said, in our attempts to bypass blame, we also put our scapegoats on a pedestal holding the power to hijack our sense of agency and joy.  

We live in a shame and blame based culture too frequently practicing outdated beliefs that shaming and punishment are prerequisites to desired behavior. Shaming others often comes from a place of insecurity and is itself a form of scapegoating. Those who have been shamed are also less likely to have a sense of individual grounding, making them too more likely to blame and shame. And thus, our popular culture has produced a cycle of patterned projection where we trade self-awareness and responsibility for the disempowered convenience of blame.  

What if we accepted that our reactions are 100 percent our responsibility? What if we acknowledged that our perception is yes, informed by a rich collection of factors, but ultimately our own creation? Everything we experience is a projection of what’s inside of us. The concept of radical responsibility necessitates that we intentionally step out of the blame game by prioritizing the practice of looking inward. Taking full ownership for our personal circumstances does not have to be seen as a burden or martyrdom, but the conscious choice to return to a place of agency and self-empowerment. And before I go further, please know that self-responsibility and self-reliance are not synonymous. One of the most powerful acts of radical responsibility we can take is asking for help and taking steps alongside others to fortify our own emotional awareness. 

Steps to Cultivating Radical Responsibility 

1. Practice looking inward: When we are met with challenges, the tendency can be to look outward and blame. This unwittingly can strip us from our own agency and power. The practice of asking ourselves, “what can I DO?” is a simple and transformative question in itself.  

2. Get familiar with personal triggers: We all have our own layers of shame and emotional trigger points. Those places where we feel the most shame are also the places that can trigger us most to shame and blame others. Identifying the areas where we ourselves are most emotionally vulnerable, finding safe spaces to process shame and trauma, and becoming more acquainted with our own shadows can help us better create strategies around self-care and self-regulation. 

3. Invite solitude: When we live in a shame and blame based culture, our worth becomes dependent on the opinions of others and it is easy to lose our sense of personal identity and grounding. Practicing solitude and stillness is one of the better ways to cultivate self-trust and become familiar with our own thoughts and perceptions. It takes courage to sit still with our own emotional landscape without distraction or feedback from others, but often provides the space necessary to navigate and process. 

4. Don’t depend too much on an outcome: Planning and purposefulness are important, but let’s face it, life can change on a dime. Sometimes we lean too heavy on a particular outcome to feel “okay”. All of us are entitled to disappointment but learning that the extent of our disappointment rests much more on trusting ourselves to ride the waves of life and accepting responsibility for our responses versus outside and uncontrollable factors, can be liberating. 

5. Challenges can be opportunities: Rather than feeling defeat or bitterness, we can choose to also see our challenges as opportunities for growth and resilience-building. This does not mean that heartache, grief, and worry should not be acknowledged, but that we also hold space for the paradox that amidst tough feelings, doors can also open for self-discovery, empathy, and spiritual growth. 

6. Find a sense of meaning: It is easy from a place of existential doom and gloom to not care too much about our own footprint on this world. Joy can feel elusive and outside our control. Find the ways big and small that give you a sense of meaning. Make somebody smile, take a walk in the woods, have dinner with your family, embrace your spiritual side. 

7. Taking care of ourselves: This seems a bit redundant, but self-care is accepting the responsibility that the energy you bring to this world matters and has real-world consequences- good and bad. Eating real food, moving our bodies, getting good sleep, getting outside, and connecting with others. These are the foundations of radical responsibility.

In summary, remember that radical responsibility upholds our personal freedoms- it does not subtract from them. Taking full ownership for how we treat others and ourselves is the mainstay of radical responsibility and one of the most important steps towards the joy and peace so many of us desire.  

Cheers to responsibility! 

Thank you for listening everyone.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

http://www.shesoarspsych.com

Fresh off the tracks of academia in my early 20’s, my early motivations seeking a career in mental health were fueled by a rookie desire to bring concrete solutions to those facing struggle. An even deeper desire, below my professional angst, was to better understand and maybe fix the struggle witnessed in my own family. I immersed myself in best practices, learned the pharmaceutical-based algorithms, and gathered the tools. I wanted to feel equipped…prepared…ready to have answers. 

A bit more seasoned after nearly 15 years in the field of human emotion and having encountered an early run-in with burnout, I have come to understand that I will not always have an answer, that concrete solutions can be far more elusive, to listen more and to talk less, and to appreciate beauty alongside struggle. Sometimes the best solution is to kick away my preconceived pedestal, set aside expectations, and simply be with, acknowledge, and provide space for suffering. The time pressures, outcome-based reimbursement, and our stubborn quick-fix mentality in mainstream medicine can sometimes interfere, but when our practice revolves around the vastness of human emotion, we better learn to get cozy with discomfort, mystery, and uncertainty. From the humility of “not knowing “we are forced to simply be with and accept what is.  

We honor a person’s dignity by allowing space for their discomfort. Our sense of predictability and control can feel threatened when encountering difficult emotions that don’t come with a roadmap. We may have an intention to help, but in our quest to “fix” another’s emotional struggle, we can rush an important emotional experience. We may also tend to limit or suppress our own emotional spectrum. Sometimes people (including ourselves) need to metaphorically cocoon before transformation takes place.  

“This ‘doing nothing’ is not a cold, passive resignation, but is an alive, sacred activity, infused with the light of awareness and a wild, relentless sort of compassion. To do nothing in this way is a radical act of kindness and love, filled with qualities of earth and warmth, and a holy gift that you can offer yourself and others.”

-Matt Licata

Sometimes we offer unsolicited advice. This can imply that our process of “coping” is somehow superior. For those intimately familiar with the caregiver role, we can even judge our own worth on the emotional outcome of another person. This can create unhealthy resentment and codependency. Repeated attempts to “fix”  others can also be a convenient distraction from tending to our own needs and hardships.  

Sometimes we can find ourselves hijacking another person’s emotional experience by too rapidly shifting the focus to a hardship we faced perhaps trying to communicate a shared sense of understanding and yet, this can also feel dismissive. 

Sometimes when we have significant discomfort with emotional vulnerability, we can diminish and shame another’s emotions. We might tell them to “move on”; “get over it”; “suck it up”. This erodes emotional trust and reinforces emotional suppression. 

It’s important to remember that powerlessness and helplessness are not synonymous. We may be powerless to change the outcome of another’s struggle, but we can be intentional in our ability to stay present, open, and available. That is not helpless. 

Whenever we respond to another, it allows us to look in the mirror at our own biases and insecurities. If we feel discomfort in witnessing the struggle of another, it may be a rich opportunity to embrace self-reflection rather than resort to judgement.

So what can we do?… 

• Validate another person’s pain. “This must be so hard for you.”  

• Provide physical presence. Hold a hand, offer a hug, sit by. 

• Ask questions. “How are you feeling today?” Stay curious about their emotional experience without placing judgment. 

• Create space for pain. “It’s OK to cry”; “I am happy to just sit with you”; “I am happy to listen to anything you want to share”. 

• Offer specific support. Offer to bring a meal, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, watch the children. 

• Practice boundaries and self-compassion with our time and energy.

• Explore our own discomfort with emotional vulnerability.  

Thanks for listening everyone.  

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

In the world of mental health where we contend with the abstract intersections of nature versus nurture and what behaviors we have agency versus those we may not, the role of accountability can be hard to define. How do we define who should “know better” versus who should be excused. When the layers of trauma and struggle are excavated and the context of a person’s defenses brought to the surface, bad behavior can be interpreted as remnants of survival. Where then does tolerance end and accountability begin? In our increasingly politically correct world, tolerance is seen as a popularized moral directive and yet, with the undercurrents of division in our society, intolerance of whole groups of people has become commonplace. 

Accountability must have a launch pad. What constitutes this launching pad of morality is forever evolving. In a democracy, discerning and defining a reasonable constitution of overarching morality, policy, and law demands dialogue, careful judgment, and rational arguments. Unfortunately, in our current political and social landscape, constructive dialogue is lacking and the act of “reaching across” is infrequent. We often approach politics with defensiveness as a way to protect ourselves from the “other” and galvanize those most similar to us. We can assume in our state of division that those on the other side of the fence are unchangeable or a lost cause and forget that mindsets are complex and often fragile. We preach a certain version of progress, but often do not take the time to listen to those threatened or uncertain by the progress we hope for. And in that stagnation and hesitancy, the basis for accountability dies and the infrastructure of democracy crumbles. As the collective shies away from shaping the groundwork of accountability, there can be a trickle-down effect from our governments to our communities, to our families, and to ourselves. In the absence of accountability, there is yes, more room for bad behavior, but even more concerning, apathy.  

“Accountability is a love language.” -Maryam Hasnaa

Apathy and unbridled tolerance are in many ways, synonymous. Philosopher Karl Popper speaks of the paradox of tolerance stating the following, “Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them.” 

In other words, by standing too long on the pedestal of tolerance and not coming together to define a collective basis of reasonable morality and accountability, we risk being overwhelmed by intolerance and roll out the red carpet for extremism and authoritarianism.  

Whole communities have fallen victim to this overwhelm. In my home state of Oregon, Portland, the City of Roses, historically glorified by its trendy eccentricity, foodie scene, and natural beauty, is buckling under rising homelessness, unprecedented crime, vacant store fronts, & political missteps. Known for its attitude of progressive tolerance, so much city-wide upheaval has finally led to collective pressure to better define the boundaries of this so-called tolerance.  The idea of “live and let live” can be liberating as long as what we are asked to tolerate does not come at the expense of somebody else’s existence or well-being. 

As a mental health professional, the concepts of radical responsibility and accountability are in no way in opposition to grace and understanding. Accountability- despite its reputation, is not punitive and in fact, communicates an investment of care and engagement on a personal, familial, community, and societal level. Promoting accountability promotes growth. The intersection of tolerance and accountability is inevitably vague and will continue to be such in our non-dual world where the definitions of right and wrong are continually in flux. Therefore, the health of our democracy is worth fighting for. When we can do the hard, but so very necessary work of debating, dialoguing, & discerning the basis of accountability and boundaries of tolerance in our larger communities, we also benefit from greater clarity & growth on a personal level. Let’s hope we can stay brave enough to keep coming together as messy as it might be. In our country, fortified by a democracy emulated throughout the world, this turbulent and sometimes riotous persuasion & dialogue is, after all, our hallmark, our means to progress, and the backbone of our freedom. 

Thank you for listening.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon