Author: Audry Van Houweling

The Gap Between Being & Becoming

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What are you hoping to become? Smarter, richer, wiser, healthier, more attractive? Mainstream society thrives on selling urgency—the urgency to be better, more appealing, more acceptable. This pressure can manifest as restlessness, workaholism, perfectionism, and an unforgiving inner critic. 

Today, social platforms reinforce this cycle, embedding the expectation that we should continually “uplevel.” The finish line for success always moves further, leaving us chasing perceptions of success. Modern-day acceptance often comes in the form of curated posts and filtered stories, where followers become currency. Life can start to feel like a performance. The pressure to maintain likability and stand out breeds desperation that generally erodes gratitude, presence, and stillness. Too often, we postpone happiness until we “become.” The larger the perceived gap between being and becoming, the greater our unhappiness tends to be. 

The Balancing Act 

Does this mean we shouldn’t have goals? Of course not. Striving gives us purpose and resilience. But should our worth and happiness depend on outcomes? Probably not. While we may seek improved versions of ourselves or our circumstances, it is gratitude for the present that fuels energy for the future. 

Who Are You Becoming For? 

When caught in the race for accomplishments, we need to ask: are we pursuing goals from an authentic place aligned with our values, or from external expectations? Are we driven by fear of disappointment or by courage and strength? Do our ambitions reflect unhealed longings for approval and validation? Is our relentlessness, which can appear outwardly successful, truly a trauma response? 

An Era of Decision Fatigue 

Part of the angst of becoming is that there are so many options of what to become especially partnered with the rampant comparison culture and existential unease. Decicion-making can feel paralyzing. As I work with many young adults, questions loom large: Should I go to college? Move out? Work? Travel? Have kids? With so many possibilities, the weight of “choosing right” can overwhelm. When faced with indecision, our tendency is to stay put in the familiar, sometimes at the expense of growth or healthy risks. At a therapeutic level, the work is less about making the “right” decision and more about building confidence in making a decision. 

Most of Life Is Ordinary 

In our dopamine-driven society, we’re fed the illusion that life should always be stimulating, inspiring, and easy to advance. In reality, much of life unfolds in ordinary routines—the anchors of daily functioning. Days may feel bland, repetitive, even grueling. Accomplishment is often felt in moments sandwiched between the grind of maintaining foundations and committing to a process that can take years if not decades and a whole lot of patience. Profound change is often made possible by repeated small moments of routine and discipline. The key is to enjoy the “in the meantime,” to embrace the process, and to realize that we are “becoming” in the ordinary rhythms of life just as much as the exclamation points of life. 

Nothing Is Permanent 

Finally, remember that what you hope to become today may shift tomorrow. Change is the law of nature. Each day we wake up a slightly different animal. Our vision of who we want to become evolves with time. What we seek to become will change over the course of time and as we are in the interim waiting for our efforts to take shape, the impermanence of life reminds us that as we are being, we are also always becoming.  

Cheers to your journey. 

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

http://www.shesoarspsych.com

The Art of Compartmentalizing

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It never fails to intrigue me how amid struggle & uncertainty, the human mind adapts. Our world is facing numerous challenges and to be fair, has always faced numerous challenges. Nevertheless, given the immediacy of media at our fingertips and our ever-more connected global landscape, secondary trauma is hard to avoid and overlaps on top of personal traumas. For many of us, our nervous systems are primed and on guard—ready for when the so-called “other shoe drops”.

Compartmentalizing emotion is one of the primary means humans cope and maintain functionality when facing trepidation and uncertainty. It is evolutionary to minimize the gravity of emotion when the priority is survival. Emotional processing can be counterproductive and near impossible in the absence of safety. And yet, unchecked, compartmentalization can also lead to detachment, cognitive dissonance, and apathy…all things plaguing our world today.

In my day job, it is a practice listening to stories of trauma and loss, maintaining an empathetic presence, and also a therapeutic shield. Generally, this has a way of working, but there are those days when the balance of compartmentalization seems too much or too little. Days when emotions feel too heavy and days when emotions feel too distant.

Compartmentalization is a spectrum. While often essential to survival, compartmentalization can also help facilitate productivity, focus regulation, & selflessness. My concern is on the edges of this spectrum when compartmentalization is too much or too little. How do we find better balance in staying emotionally connected but not emotionally saturated, empathetic without becoming overwhelmed, engaged without becoming consumed?

Find Opportunities to Emote

Many of us easily provide space for others to emote while we limit our own emotional expression. If these limitations are too rigid, we can become a bit emotionally constipated. As follows, we need to acknowledge emotion, digest it, metabolize its messaging, and let it pass. When we disregard our own emotion it becomes far easier to disregard emotion in others. Stoicism can become cold or bitter. Emotions are not always convenient, but they are messages that can facilitate important action. Find ways to acknowledge & release. Put it on the schedule.  For me, emotional catharsis is best found on the back of my horse under the mountains, with music, and running through woods.

Connecting to meaning

It is not my place to tell anybody what is meaningful, but it is important that I tell them that the search for meaning is worth it if not imperative to emotional resilience. Finding meaning allows us to better integrate suffering as something that can coexist with peace. This ability to straddle paradox, buffers against denial and detachment. Suffering, as awful as it can be, can also be a catalyst to finding meaning and deepening connection. It is also completely expected that many of us will have our share of existential moments when meaning feels elusive and when we question the point of it all, but these moments can also be opportunities to more carefully evaluate personal values and beliefs.

Shake it up a bit

When we operate in compartmentalization mode for too long, life can start to feel a bit robotic. Routines, perceived control, and predictability feel paramount while spontaneity and lightness take a backseat. It is important that we give ourselves opportunities to be awed and to intermittently shake ourselves out of detachment. I prefer to go to wild places where comfort is not guaranteed and where my senses must be enlivened. Also, spending time with my niece and nephews in their toddlerhood seems to do the trick.

Find Your Battlefield

Find something worth fighting for. Yes, some fights might ask for a fist or a trigger, but some of the best fights are not out of violence or vengeance, but the stubborn insistence to shepherd the values of dignity and respect for ourselves, our neighbors, our community, our country, & our planet. Fight with acts of kindness, fight with facts, fight with humility, fight with service, fight with advocacy, and fight with wellness that preserves our stamina. A good fight is a good antidote against detachment.

We all deserve intermittent breaks of emotional respite. Those breaks are also too often a privilege. We can mindfully compartmentalize without mindless detachment. We can strategically postpone emotion and also intentionally acknowledge emotion. We can restrain and we can act. Cheers to staying engaged, resting well, & staying connected.

Thank you for listening.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner,

She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

Reflections on Heritage & Immigration

/ Audry Van Houweling / 1 Comment

My grandmother was 15 when the Nazis invaded Poland. Able-bodied and raised Catholic, her life was spared, but she was nonetheless apprehended, abruptly stripped from family ties, and sent to a forced labor camp where she later escaped and joined the Jewish Underground Resistance. She was later recaptured and imprisoned in Germany where she lived out the final years of her adolescence and the remainder of the War.

At the cusp of adulthood, an orphan, and newly married to a handsome American Air Force captain stationed in Germany, my grandmother joined the wave of thousands upon thousands of post-war refugees setting foot on Ellis Island and laying eyes on Lady Liberty in 1949. I often wonder how my grandmother persisted through all of it. As I encounter my own trials that seem so trivial in comparison, I remind myself of the resolve that was passed on so clearly to my mother, and by luck and maybe a few genetic favors, to myself.

My grandmother was an immigrant. She landed in America by a mix of luck and sheer tenacity. She settled with my grandfather in Long Island, New York slowly gaining fluency in the English language. She raised my mother and uncle. All the way to her death bed, she was a mix of shocking resilience with a presence that could demand the attention of any room while also being inevitably haunted by her past leading to ways of coping that were both admirable and destructive.

The immigrant story is often complex. And yet, it speaks to one of the most basic and primal urges in evolution and humanity. We are build to move, and movement is part of our survival. Migration and nomadism are entrenched in our generational DNA and our heartbeat for the future. We are built to explore and if it were not fo the innate desires for greater safety, resources, and opportunity, the whole notion of progress is turned upside down. It is the story of indigenous peoples native to this country chasing the path of the buffalo, the virgin setters fleeing religious persecution across the Atlantic, the pioneers carving uncharted paths across the Rockies homesteading the American West, and the story of my home state of Oregon—the terminus for Lewis and Clark, and the promised land so many traveled so far to reach. Upwards of thirty percent of pioneers on the Oregon Trail were non-English speaking and most were low income.

“Nearly all Americans have ancestors who braved the oceans – liberty-loving risk takers in search of an ideal – the largest voluntary migrations in recorded history… Immigration is not just a link to America’s past; it’s also a bridge to America’s future.” -George H.W. Bush

As we reflect on immigration today- a topic laced with controversy and politics, it is wasy to stand on the platform of us (the lucky citizens) versus them (the not so lucky non-citizens). We can over-generalize fears of immigrants bringing crime and economic strain. We an slip into dehumanizing rhetoric or attitudes of pity. We can forget the fragility of our own circumstances and take for granted the ancestral grit and resolve that allowed us such comforts in the first place. Like it or not, our nation was build on the backs of immigrants- some here by choice, some here by force.

Accountability and grace can coexist. I so fervently want an end to drug and human trafficking. I support a stronger border. I do worry about the limits of our national resources. I want people removed who have brought crime and violence. I also don’t want families ripped apart. I want my friends and patients to feel comfortable going to church and the grocery store. I don’t want to strip the economy of skilled workers, and I do believe that the process to become “legal” is often daunting, cost prohibitive, and needs reforming. A human that happens to be an immigrant is not a monolith. Can we enforce black and white policies on something so very nuanced?

Our capacity for compassion is one of the greatest indicators of health on both a personal and societal level. When this capacity crumbles, we can revert to apathy, anger, or be quick to find a scapegoat for our discontent. My hope is that we can remember the value of decency for our fellow humans seeking something better, reject dehumanization, advocate for fair and humane policies, and take stock of the adversity and immigrant stories so deeply intertwined within our own heritage and greater nation.

Thank you for listening.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

www.shesoarspsych.com

The Aftermath.

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It is Sunday November 10, 2024. It has been a long week. I provide care for patients on all sides of the political fence and some who are hoping to avoid the fence altogether. Inevitably, mental health and policy are intimately connected. Patient opinions are frequently shared and I, trying my best to remain neutral, listen. We are all entitled to our own definition of safety and progress. From what I gather, votes on all sides were cast mostly positions of frustration and fear—not hate. For some, this week’s results brought relief and celebration, while for others there has been panic, anger, and powerlessness. It has been a week of trying to encourage against uncertainty and to refocus on what we know to be true versus operating on assumption. This can be easier said than done with the onslaught of misinformation and profit-fueled propaganda. Nonetheless, democracy, as messy as it can be, has spoken once again.  

Tomorrow, November 11th is Veteran’s Day. I am reflecting on the blood, sweat, and tears engrained in our nation’s soil as we fought and fought again (and still we fight) striving to uphold the Constitutional pursuit of liberty. The morality pertaining to where liberty begins and where it ends is continually evolving. It’s edges have been shaped and reshaped, expanded and contracted as the curtain fell on slavery, as women fought their way to the ballot box, as segregation was dismantled, and as marriage no longer had to be defined by man and woman. What used to be considered criminal, is now protected. We can disagree on where these edges ought to be, but this debate and choir of opinions is a special brand of liberty in itself. It is in mystery and curiosity, not certainty nor absolutes where liberty thrives best.  

My hope is that we can prioritize the pursuit of liberty above any political figurehead. My other hope is that we do not reduce each other (or ourselves) down to a political label, but challenge ourselves to remember nuance and complexity. It may seem we have to dig deep for common threads, but often these connections are just under the surface. The media and curated algorithms have told us stories of deep polarization and contempt for one another fueling a level of distance and distrust counterproductive to any progress. Yes, oppositional and hateful behavior exists and some of us will drink the Kool-Aid served by the pundits, but from my window there is still an abundance of decency and goodwill demonstrated daily by folks on all sides of the political spectrum. Maybe we can surprise ourselves and prove wrong toxic narratives. 

This does not mean we cannot be angry, or sad, or fearful. Is there a time to fight? Yes. I have come to believe that some of the most successful battle campaigns are those without weapons or words of spite, but the continual and stubborn insistence to prioritize dignity and respect for one person at a time. That said, as those who have served this country can attest to, our Constitutional mandate to safeguard Lady Liberty, can also come with the greatest sacrifice.  

When we are in our defensive space, we tend to fight, flight, or freeze. We have tunnel vision. We get primal—territorial. Post-election, many of us might find ourselves in this place. Nobody has a crystal ball to predict what is coming down the pipeline, but it can help to ask ourselves what we know for sure. Do our feelings lie in an assumption? What is our evidence? Is it possible to transcend popular narratives of fear and division? No doubt we should remain watchful and no doubt, idolatry should never surpass our Constitution. Our right to voice dissent ought to be forever upheld. In the meantime, let’s do our best to stop making opinions based on our social media feed. Let’s engage with our fellow citizens & neighbors…face to face. Let’s appreciate sentiment and nuance. Let’s share our stories. Let’s be brave and stand up for individual liberties. Let’s take care of ourselves. Nobody said democracy was easy business, but it is in our right to disagree and express differences that we are strongest. Worry most when the fight stops.  

Happy Veteran’s Day and thank you to all who have served this complex, hard-fought, and beautiful country.  

“Democracy is the form of government in which the free are rulers.” -Aristotle

In solidarity,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

Practitioner. Writer. Adventurer.

Making Peace with Our Multitudes

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One of my first patients was a pastor. He was esteemed and well-respected—a pillar in the community. I was a newbie in the small town where his roots ran deep. He was a man of conviction and compassion. He spoke with authority. And he was also sometimes hopeless…and desperate. At twenty-six years old, I sat at my desk sporting my newly printed diploma. I was trying my best to hide my imposter syndrome. Still shaky in my confidence, I kept questioning how a man who has guided so many, seek out any sort of guidance from me? He was a master at portraying steadiness and reassurance for his patrons. He held tight to concepts of duty and responsibility. In a small town, he felt there was little room for any misstep or deviation. Despite being surrounded by people who revered him, he shared with me that he often felt alone…and scared. While I stumbled through coping skills and strategies, I learned that my best intervention was to simply hold space for his complexity and provide a brief respite from the rigidity of his self-imposed and societally reinforced standards. 

Over the years in my practice, I have come to have a deep appreciation for the multitudes we all contain. The pastor and so many others in their courage to be vulnerable, unknowingly also gave me permission to better accept my own depth and sometimes messy complexity. Feelings and thoughts that may seem contradictory can all exist simultaneously. Grief and gratitude, courage and fear, joy and pain, hope and despair. The ability to hold multiple realities and straddle paradox might be one of the greatest measures of resilience.  

Life can be a bit performative. Like a play, we all take on different roles. The character descriptions will likely differ depending on if we are at work, home, social settings, or alone. This is completely human and to an extent, shows cognitive flexibility and healthy adaptation. Some roles we have mastered. We know the lines front and back. We have become intimately familiar with certain characters. Others, we would prefer to remain out of the spotlight or silenced altogether. The cast of characters can be diverse. Some may be protective, some ambitious, some ashamed, some stubborn, some silly, and some hopeful. At times, we might allow other people or societal expectations to take the director’s seat and choose the cast despite our unspoken resistance. If we have faced trauma or dysfunction, we might favor a cast who seemingly offers protection by seeking control while we might sideline child-like characters who crave lightness and adventure. When faced with a decision, multiple characters may want a seat at the table–at times contradicting one another generating inner conflict. We might have a character begging to take center stage, but fears of judgment or shame keep the muzzle tight. 

Different parts of ourselves as outlined in
Internal Family Systems Therapy

As with most entrepreneurs, I have a strong identification with my professional cast of characters. Defined by productivity, steadiness, responsibility, and a fair amount of rebellion to the mainstream, this industrious cast has a tendency to crowd the stage and can be hesitant to share the spotlight. I call on these characters in times of life’s turbulence and yet, they have been known to create some undue stress themselves. They are supposed to take a bow around 6pm Monday-Friday and enjoy a mini sabbatical through the weekend. Lighthearted characters have had to bargain with them at times, finally convincing them that rest, and playfulness are also necessary ingredients for success. Characters offering grace have also had to remind them that success is, in itself, a construct up for interpretation.  

Sometimes we find ourselves acting in a play we never signed up for. When tragedy strikes, we often default to self-preservation. The protective cast of characters takes center stage. For some of us, this cast of protectors might convince us that the best way to self-preserve is to sideline emotion. We might launch into attempts of control and order, retreat to our work, numb or detach, or dive into martyrdom taking care of everyone else but ourselves. While these characters have likely served important roles in our past, the safety they seek in the present can be a guise for self-sabotage. 

Ultimately, we must remember that none of us are made to be one-dimensional. By remembering that we are by nature, multi-dimensional, we can grant ourselves and those around us more grace. We can remember that everyone has struggles and shadows. We can appreciate nuance and acknowledge complexity. We can know that sometimes those most skilled at portraying a brave face can sometimes be facing the greatest battles. Hold space for your own multitudes and in doing so, hold space for the multitudes of others. 

Thank you for listening.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP-BC

Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC www.shesoarspsych.com

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

An Ode to Mother Nature

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Today is the eve of Earth Day. I am sitting at my office peering at the backdrop of the Cascade mountains. The range of the Three Sisters is peeking through the trees surrounded by soft blankets of blushed pink and wisps of orange cream sunsetting on their peaks.  

I have a lot of charting to do, but tonight feels ripe for a little procrastination. I would rather stare at the mountains. I find myself pondering at how our natural world, with its beauty, renewal, and resilience continually provides an endurable response to the ugliness and suffering our world encounters.  

I am lucky to have a lot of passion for my day job and simultaneously, also have whims to live out an echo of Thoreau or Muir, find a cabin in the wilderness, dwell in philosophy and conservation, and write poetry. Last time I checked this doesn’t quite pay the bills. 

Regardless, my well of gratitude for the gifts & lessons of Mother Earth runs deep. I have come to believe that wholeness and healing can only be accomplished as we consciously acknowledge our own footprint and that we do not see ourselves apart from nature, but of it

Stewardship

The connections between how we care for ourselves and how we care for our surrounding environment are rich. Stewardship of our natural world is also integral to our emotional stewardship. As we embark on a path of healing, it takes a dose of humility as we recognize the obstacles of our ego. We honor the natural world most when we abandon ego and take ownership for what we both take and give to the greater ecosystem. 

“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” -John Muir

Letting Go

Nature has a unique way of teaching us the necessity of letting go. As summer retreats, followed by falling amber and burgundy from the trees, we are met with the slowdown of winter. Mother Earth gets its beauty sleep as it prepares for the renewal of spring. We are reminded that similarly, our own growth and evolution is not often possible without the shedding of aging attitudes and beliefs unlikely to serve us. It is life’s impermanence that allows for transformation.  

“Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is is patience.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chasing Awe

In a world rich with vicarious and personal traumas reinforced by real-time access to tragedy and suffering on our social media feeds and news outlets, many of us have developed a protective response of disconnect and detachment. This response can minimize palpable feelings of fear and despair, but it can also minimize joy, passion, and excitement. We go through the motions, but life can feel like it’s lost its allure. 

Nature has a unique way of resuscitating our emotional heartbeat by providing moments of sheer awe that restore our curiosity and drive for continued discovery. I think of when I first stood at the foot of Mt Rainier, or when I have sat still breathing in sage blossoms surrounded by wild mustangs, or when I first set sight on a giraffe in Africa and proceeded to break a few rules jumping off the tour bus running after it. I just wanted to get closer…the bus driver and fellow passengers were not amused. 

“He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.” -Albert Einstein

Embracing Discomfort

Emotional wellness is not about being comfortable. Modern day conveniences allow some of us to afford near consistent environmental comforts with minimal effort. Thermostats, running water, food that never runs out, plumbing, and a warm place to sleep are not to be taken for granted. And yet, if we are always comfortable, we minimize opportunity for growth and self-trust. Stress is inevitable and nature allows us boundless opportunities to widen our window of tolerance and resilience. After all, it was not so long ago that we didn’t have a choice. In our culture of accommodation, we must be careful not to discount the value of productive discomfort. 

“I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”- Anne Frank

So, as they say, watch more sunsets and less Netflix. Take a walk in the woods. Find a view. Plant a tree. Forage. Wander. Find moments to be still and remember your roots. Happy Earth Day! 

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

www.shesoarspsych.com

Cultivate discernment & make better decisions

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Buying a piece of custom furniture seems like one of those adult rites of passage. In the latter half of my thirties, I have decided to pursue my first custom piece—a couch. Throughout my nomadic adult years, I have been accustomed to second-hand finds complimenting my frugality and boxed IKEA-ish pieces sure to draw out a few expletives as one navigates assembly and too often, reassembly. I feel ready for the custom, “no-assembly needed”, white glove experience. 

After a prolonged vetting process, I took a deep dive into the very customizable world of “The Pottery Barn”. After scanning images of seemingly endless fabric and color combinations, measuring and remeasuring, thinking far too long about what side the ottoman should be on, I sensed I was hitting the familiar wall of decision fatigue. A bit unenchanted, I order the max number of sample swatches—twelve. I sit on my couch at present that I have a desire to break up with. I think of lounging on the new couch, which leads me to think of lounging on a beach, which leads me to think that as I stare at the sticker shock and then at the two feet of snow outside, I could just take the money and go to Mexico…A classic first-world problem of ineffectual discernment.  

Speaking of discernment, it is an art that is losing steam against a world that bombards us with opinions, choices, and theoretical outcomes. As so many of us are one click away from information overload, the ability to effectively make decisions without so much static and interference is so often an uphill battle. As we might look to avoid the static, some of us prefer the more spontaneous or impulsive way of operating while some of us analytical types might become bulldozed into a state of paralysis by analysis. 

In an era of endless information- too much of which is artificial and false, cultivating discernment seems to be more important than ever before. How? I have five thoughts… 

Integrity to our core values 

If you don’t know your core values, it is a good time for a little self-discovery. Core values are not static, but they serve as an internal compass providing a filter by which decisions must pass through. It’s not easy making decisions from a foundation of shifting sand. Helpful tip to avoid shifting sand? Put down your phone and turn down the noise. Your values offer you a solid piece of ground and a place of clarity amid so many options and opinions. 

Leading with what we know NOW 

It can be hard to predict the future even when we think we have a solid plan. Choosing a couch is one thing, but making decisions about relationships, careers, family, and financial matters can have far more gravity. We can get stuck in the “what if’s” and unknowns. It can help to focus on what is clear at present. While we may dwell on potential outcomes should we change, we may also know that what is happening now is not sustainable.  

Operate from a place of self-trust 

While some decisions may seem crystal clear, many others will feel blurry and rich with complexity. There can be multiple potential paths. Not one path is necessarily right or wrong, but they are simply options all likely with their own peaks and valleys. Trusting ourselves to navigate the outcomes and to take ownership of our responses is perhaps the most important outcome of all. 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. -Isaac Slade

Your feelings are real, but not always true 

Discernment means acknowledging our feelings while also marrying them with evaluative reasoning and logic as the heart and head come together. If we put too much stock on making decisions based on how we “feel”, it is likely our momentum will only last so long and we may be tempted to engage in counterproductive behaviors. Feelings are important, but not always the best leaders. 

Remember the ripple effect 

Our energy we bring to this world has a ripple effect and the decisions we make will impact ourselves and those around us. These ripples can be both positive and negative all at the same time. The greatest good does not mean everyone goes unharmed. Sometimes the impact of a decision can sting a bit before it feels better. And yet, indecision can sometimes sting more. While being mindful of our impact on others is important, so too is the act of honoring ourselves even if that means ruffling a few feathers. Every decision has consequences, but if our decisions open more room to operate in a place of compassion and integrity, they are worth pursuing. 

“Indecision can often be worse than wrong action.” -Henry Ford

A sincere thank YOU for making the decision to read this today. And should you want to know, in the days since I started this article, my custom, definitely overpriced couch is officially en route. Mexico will have to wait… 

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweing, Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

www.shesoarspsych.com

Making that Resolution Stick in 2024

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How’s that New Year’s resolution coming along? As I write this, we are just over a week into 2024, which means according to researchers, it has been long enough for 23% of us to have not maintained our 2024 aspirations. Still going strong? Kudos to you, but if February rolls around and that resolution has taken a back seat, you are still in good company alongside an estimated 43% of folks who shared your month-long resolve. If that resolution happens to stick, count yourself as one of the elites as research suggests that only 9% of Americans who make resolutions, actually complete them (Batts, 2023).  

With the natural transition of the New Year and the chance to throw a new calendar on the wall, many of us are filled with the hope of a fresh start and the collective motivation to improve. The outcomes we daydream about are alluring. A healthy body, financial freedom, a new career…We envision the bikini on the beach, the feeling of being debt free, and the pride of moving up on the “ladder”. Identifying a desired outcome is easy. Identifying the process of implementation is where a lot of us get stuck in the mud. Here are five ways we can make our journey to change more sustainable… 

“Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.”

-Japanese Proverb
  1. Identify your personal “WHY” 

Core values are one of my primary areas of focus in my job. Knowing our top tier values can help provide an internal compass, foundation of discernment, and natural filter that decisions and goals must pass through. If we make a goal, but the “WHY” behind that goal is unclear or hollow, it is unlikely that our efforts to maintain will surpass life’s inevitable obstacles. WHY is your resolution important? Is your WHY really your own? Is it based on a “should do” or does your why belong to somebody else? If pleasing somebody else overrides pleasing ourselves, we might get some work done, but it can sometimes come at the cost of resentment and burnout. 

  1. Productive versus busy 

Many of us operate in a way where productivity and thinking deeply are mutually exclusive. It is easy in our go-go-go world that we operate more in a state of reactiveness vs proactiveness. We can get into a cognitive tunnel where we are simply reacting to the next demand—a persistent game of triage that leaves little time for reflection or reevaluation. Being productive means that we can most efficiently align our time and energy to the values that are most important to us. This means we actually have to take a step back and think about what those values are and how we might shift our time and energy to better support them. Otherwise, it is so very easy for resolutions to get lost in the hustle.  

  1. Don’t be so ambitious 

As somebody who loves the next good project, I need to remind myself to cool off once in a while…smell the roses for a bit and remember the value of simplicity. The big project or the sweeping change might be sexy, but we just aren’t wired too well for that. Start small and follow the S.M.A.R.T goal-setting protocol (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). If you want to run a marathon and you have been sitting on the couch, it’s better to focus on mile 1.0 than mile 26.2. 

  1. Accountability matters 

Don’t keep your goals to yourself. Invite trustworthy folks to provide you with constructive accountability. Hire a coach, join a networking group, pursue your goals alongside friends. Spend time with people who can help illuminate your options and expand your horizons. We only see what we can see at the time. 

  1. Obstacles are inevitable 

Change is rarely easy. Often, the pain of not changing must be greater than the pain of changing to actually change. We can become very comfortable with existing or operating in ways that may be in opposition to what we hope for, but we stay put because they are familiar. If we embark on change, we must expect some headwinds and to be thrown off course from time to time. Reconnecting to our values, our WHY, and reaching out to our systems of accountability partners can help right the ship. 

Cheers to your 2024 resolution journey. Wishing you sustainability, discernment, and a good dose of grace along the way. 

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Practitioner, Writer, Adventurer.

Owner & Founder, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

Finding Rest Amid Uncertainty

/ Audry Van Houweling / Leave a comment

When you sit with patients long enough, you start picking up on patterns. Individual wellness is often connected to the collective and with our digitalized world becoming smaller, that collective is more interconnected than ever. Feelings and sentiments are more palpable and like a contagion, can spread. While we may not ourselves have experienced a particular trauma or loss, we have immediate access to those who have, creating a breeding ground for secondary anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, or division.  

Despite my training in stress reduction and self-help, I am by no means immune to my own anxieties. I prefer to sit near the exits in a theater. I scan a crowd with a healthy dose of scrutiny. I am more comfortable in the woods than in the city. I am a bit slower to trust others. After weekly commutes across the mountains and pondering “what if’s,” my SUV is probably ready for the apocalypse and definitely not kid friendly. I made my first emergency kit. I bought an escape ladder. I am intent on adding a bit more cash to the emergency fund. With so many images and stories of tragedy filling the news, my mind easily slips to a place of “what would I do?”. My imagination can sometimes feel like an intruder whipping up worst-case scenarios that periodically overpower my sense of safety. Essentially, I find myself needing to be more mindful of “walking the talk”.  

It’s a strange paradox that amid trying to avoid imagined fears, the energy, thought processes, and attempts to control an outcome, can become pretty scary and overwhelming in themselves.  

“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.“
-C.H. Spurgeon

It is easy to be in a place of anticipatory anxiety, to over-prepare, to feel the need to plan and predict. To an extent, there is good reason for this. There is political unrest. The economy is not great. There have been acts of violence that challenge our comprehension. The climate is changing. To anticipate is to survive. It is part of our evolution story. And yet, defaulting to a mindset of anticipation and preparation without the balance of rest and restoration, can be costly to our health, relationships, and spirit.  

Sometimes we may not have a choice. Life will sometimes demand that we grind. Life will sometimes demand that we stay vigilant. Our sympathetic nervous system takes the wheel pumping out adrenaline and cortisol priming us for action- at least for a while. Our parasympathetic nervous system allowing us to rest, heal, and digest, gets pushed to the back of the bus. This arrangement is only meant to be temporary. Regardless, the primal alarm bells eliciting a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response are for many of us, in overdrive. Even in the midst of relative safety, many of us are convinced that if we let our guard down, even temporarily, the risks are too high.  

In the midst of preparation and anticipation, it would benefit us to remember what we are trying to preserve. Most of us would cite safety, stability, connection, peace, gratitude, and hopefully a bit of joy. Compared to so many who are searching for such outcomes, it can feel almost indulgent or selfish to bask in such positivity. And yet, our joy and ability to hold compassion for ourselves and the greater world is the ultimate rebellion against tyranny and unrest.  

How do we cultivate joy in a world that seems to be lost in so much struggle? Smile a little more. Compliment. Dance. Sing. Be a little silly. Go on an adventure. Prioritize acts of kindness. Take a walk in nature. Practice gratitude. Take care of ourselves. It takes mindful intention. 

As we enter the holiday season, let’s remember in the midst of feeling pressure to prepare and anticipate, what it is we are working so hard for. Can we spend moments in the joy? Can we dwell for a bit in gratitude?  Can we open the door for healing and reflection? Can we be still? The welfare of the world is not just secured by military arsenals and weapon stockpiles, but so too in our insistence to not forego our compassion and kindness despite it all.

Wishing you a joyful holiday season.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

www.shesoarspsych.com

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

Finding Freedom in Radical Responsibility

/ Audry Van Houweling / Leave a comment

It feels good to have a scapegoat sometimes. The perception that we ourselves are free from blame and that our challenges are the fault of circumstance or others, is an alluring reprieve from our own culpability. That said, in our attempts to bypass blame, we also put our scapegoats on a pedestal holding the power to hijack our sense of agency and joy.  

We live in a shame and blame based culture too frequently practicing outdated beliefs that shaming and punishment are prerequisites to desired behavior. Shaming others often comes from a place of insecurity and is itself a form of scapegoating. Those who have been shamed are also less likely to have a sense of individual grounding, making them too more likely to blame and shame. And thus, our popular culture has produced a cycle of patterned projection where we trade self-awareness and responsibility for the disempowered convenience of blame.  

What if we accepted that our reactions are 100 percent our responsibility? What if we acknowledged that our perception is yes, informed by a rich collection of factors, but ultimately our own creation? Everything we experience is a projection of what’s inside of us. The concept of radical responsibility necessitates that we intentionally step out of the blame game by prioritizing the practice of looking inward. Taking full ownership for our personal circumstances does not have to be seen as a burden or martyrdom, but the conscious choice to return to a place of agency and self-empowerment. And before I go further, please know that self-responsibility and self-reliance are not synonymous. One of the most powerful acts of radical responsibility we can take is asking for help and taking steps alongside others to fortify our own emotional awareness. 

Steps to Cultivating Radical Responsibility 

  1. Practice looking inward: When we are met with challenges, the tendency can be to look outward and blame. This unwittingly can strip us from our own agency and power. The practice of asking ourselves, “what can I DO?” is a simple and transformative question in itself.  
  1. Get familiar with personal triggers: We all have our own layers of shame and emotional trigger points. Those places where we feel the most shame are also the places that can trigger us most to shame and blame others. Identifying the areas where we ourselves are most emotionally vulnerable, finding safe spaces to process shame and trauma, and becoming more acquainted with our own shadows can help us better create strategies around self-care and self-regulation. 
  1. Invite solitude: When we live in a shame and blame based culture, our worth becomes dependent on the opinions of others and it is easy to lose our sense of personal identity and grounding. Practicing solitude and stillness is one of the better ways to cultivate self-trust and become familiar with our own thoughts and perceptions. It takes courage to sit still with our own emotional landscape without distraction or feedback from others, but often provides the space necessary to navigate and process. 
  1. Don’t depend too much on an outcome: Planning and purposefulness are important, but let’s face it, life can change on a dime. Sometimes we lean too heavy on a particular outcome to feel “okay”. All of us are entitled to disappointment but learning that the extent of our disappointment rests much more on trusting ourselves to ride the waves of life and accepting responsibility for our responses versus outside and uncontrollable factors, can be liberating. 
  1. Challenges can be opportunities: Rather than feeling defeat or bitterness, we can choose to also see our challenges as opportunities for growth and resilience-building. This does not mean that heartache, grief, and worry should not be acknowledged, but that we also hold space for the paradox that amidst tough feelings, doors can also open for self-discovery, empathy, and spiritual growth. 
  1. Find a sense of meaning: It is easy from a place of existential doom and gloom to not care too much about our own footprint on this world. Joy can feel elusive and outside our control. Find the ways big and small that give you a sense of meaning. Make somebody smile, take a walk in the woods, have dinner with your family, embrace your spiritual side. 
  1. Taking care of ourselves: This seems a bit redundant, but self-care is accepting the responsibility that the energy you bring to this world matters and has real-world consequences- good and bad. Eating real food, moving our bodies, getting good sleep, getting outside, and connecting with others. These are the foundations of radical responsibility.

In summary, remember that radical responsibility upholds our personal freedoms- it does not subtract from them. Taking full ownership for how we treat others and ourselves is the mainstay of radical responsibility and one of the most important steps towards the joy and peace so many of us desire.  

Cheers to responsibility! 

Thank you for listening everyone.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling, Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

Sisters & Silverton, Oregon

http://www.shesoarspsych.com