It may be my favorite word and the sound of it is indeed, sweet…grace. As I sit with clients sharing their stories of loss, grief, and trauma, my inner empath can sometimes be stretched, but more often I find myself utterly captivated by the sheer grit and resilience blooming from the struggle. And within that struggle, lies such an opportunity for amazing grace. While too often we find shame in the shadows of our lives, grace is the antidote that allows us to lean into empathy and compassion for ourselves and those around us. It has the power to transform and to heal.

We live in a society where shame, anger, greed, and judgment too often prevail over the pardon of grace.  We have been compelled to take sides reinforced by digitalized and corporatized algorithms that prey on our biases and amplify divisions. We can be convinced to forego facts for political ideologies that have the power to twist once healthy convictions to hate.  

While strides are being made amid the popularity of social-emotional learning, too many children are still being raised in homes where foundational emotions are silenced or dismissed, and mistakes are met with shame. Parents growing up in generations where emotional repression and stoicism was even more expected, may also struggle with knowing how to cultivate emotional intimacy with their partners and children. Make no mistake, grace is not a free pass for bad behavior. Grace does not bypass responsibility. And grace is a close cousin of grit. Our society has long confused grit with the repression of certain emotions such as sadness and fear as if by hiding the humanity of these emotions we are stronger. The perseverance implicit in grit demands flexibility and a keen sense of awareness and grounding as the world shifts. Grace welcomes adaptability and opens the door for understanding, which helps lay the foundation for withstanding the tough times. Conversely, emotional repression leaves little room for the spectrum of human emotion and ultimately, it is anger that too often seems to be the only safe emotional outlet. Anger tricks us into thinking it is coupled with control and power. Anger has a place, but only if prompting actions that contribute to healing, not destruction. And so, as the peaks and valleys of life inevitably happen, too many of us are ill equipped to process our multitudes of emotion leading to judgment and shame on ourselves and most certainly, the projection of such judgment on others. If we narrow the channel of acceptable emotional expression too much, we cripple ourselves from persisting amid adversity. 

Just as grace is paramount to grit, it is also central to growth. I am the first to admit I am a perfectionist “in recovery”. Like many, it is so much easier to afford leniency to others, but it takes daily intention to shake my own personal, rigid expectations. Perfectionists are running a race where the finish line keeps moving. It is a recipe for burnout. Growth sees opportunity in mistakes and shortcomings and thereby allows for risk and momentum whereas perfectionism and fear-based motivation maintains an all or nothing approach leading to stangancy.

In the aftermath of loss and social upheaval still so raw from this past year, it is understandable that many of us would be donning our emotional armor and find ourselves just a bit more defensive of our side of the fence. Grace for ourselves and others allows for the gradual loosening of this armor and makes room for vulnerability and ultimately, genuine connection. We may even find ourselves able to comingle with those on both sides of the fence. Research supports that our extent of connection is directly correlated with the extent of our resilience and wellness. So perhaps we should explore the other side of the fence or maybe better, get rid of the fence.

Grace is not just an #instagram worthy buzz word, but a daily practice of allowing space and equanimity to our own humanity and that of others. It recognizes the dark and the light and withholds judgment and shame. This is not so easy these days when our popular culture continually glorifies greed, comparison, and division. Yet, our core humanity compels us towards connection as a mechanism of our survival. Despite understandable hesitation, there is a pull within many of us that knows better than to hold on to the exhausting toxicity prolonged anger and detachment bring. Grace is the great respite and the greatest gift. So, allow yourself to receive it, continue to generously give it, and do your part to transform the world one graceful gesture at a time. 

Thank you for listening everyone.

With gratitude,

Audry Van Houweling

Owner, She Soars Psychiatry, LLC

http://www.shesoarpsych.com